A Little More Empathy

I'm not huge into celebrating New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, probably because I'm an introvert and get exhausted after Christmas. I do, however, love new year's resolutions. People make fun of them all the time because many of them, if not most of them, don't even last until February. Personally, I think it's great for people to have the desire to improve in some ways and make goals, even if they have a hard time reaching them. It's better than remaining stagnant, isn't it?

I thought I'd share a goal of mine for 2017. It's plain and simple. I want to have a little more empathy.

So, I'm trying really *really* hard not to become a broken record or to make this blog soap-boxy or preachy. But this has really been weighing on my mind recently, especially in light of the way 2016 ended. I'm not trying to deliver a sermon here, I'm just doing my best to offer a different perspective.

A lot of things happened near the close of 2016. Donald Trump's victory was the most prominent, of course. There were also several celebrity deaths, a lot of partisan fighting, plenty of heated discussions on social media regarding the election and dozens of other controversial subjects, and many bemoaning 2016 as the "Worst year ever." Needless to say, things got heavy.

To me, the hardest part to watch was not necessarily these things mentioned above, but seeing the public reaction to these things. People who were genuinely afraid because of the election results were told to "stop fear mongering," "suck it up," and "get over it." Those who were saddened by celebrity deaths were told that they should get over themselves because they didn't know those people personally. People were subjected to harsh insults for having an opinion. Individuals who struggled under the weight of 2016 were told to "stop complaining."

Seeing a pattern here? Where is the empathy and understanding? Why are we so keen on telling people how they should feel?

It's so tempting to get defensive (or even offensive) with people who express certain opinions, concerns, or feelings that we happen to think are ridiculous. It's so tempting to tell them how they should feel. But does that really accomplish anything?   

  

Obligatory personal anecdote: being on the receiving end of this kind of attitude is painful. When I expressed genuine fear due to the election results, it was painful to be told that my fear was invalid. It didn't help me relax, it only upset me. I think everyone would be happier if we respond first with empathy, rather than telling people their emotions are invalid.

A common misconception about having empathy is that you have to know exactly what others are experiencing. Having empathy doesn't necessarily mean that you've experienced what they are experiencing, neither does it mean telling people that you know exactly how they feel. You don't even have to agree with the way they choose to emotionally react. Having empathy is about actively trying to understand the feelings and experiences of others. Instead of passing judgment or devaluing emotions, maybe we can try asking people how they came to feel that way. We can try seeing things from their perspective and feeling with them. Withholding judgment and seeking for greater understanding will foster deeper and healthier connections with others, and will make for more meaningful conversation and stronger relationships. And, in my opinion, it will make us better people.

We should seek to build, not to tear down. It's what the Savior would have us do.

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." John 13:34

Happy 2017 everyone! Let's make it better with a little more empathy. :) 

The Political Ugliness of 2016: Is it Worth it?

Amidst the constant fighting, clashing, and disagreeing we have been seeing throughout the course of this entire election, I think we can all at least agree on one thing: this election is a mess. And we all want it to stop.

I, among many others, have a countdown. 25 days until the election is over. 25 more days of fighting, mudslinging, hate speech, and all that garbage.

But is it really going to be over in 25 days?

Politics is a wonderful topic. It helps people share their values, understand different points of view, settle differences, and learn to compromise. But politics can also get very ugly very quickly, as we have seen since this election began. In my opinion, politics becomes the most ugly when opinions become more important than people. And the sad thing is, that has been happening a lot this election. And, call me pessimistic, I don't know if that's going to stop after the election.

I'm not going to claim that I've never gotten to that point. There have been times that I have gotten so passionate that in a fit of rage I've written some things on social media that I now regret. I came across an opinion, and all of a sudden, I had to be right. Not only did I have to be right, everyone else had to know I was right. And everyone else had to agree with me and see how incredibly "stupid" this claim I had found was. So I tore it apart. At least I tore the opinion apart and not the person who wrote it. But, at the same time, did I hurt that person too? And how many people did I hurt who shared that opinion?

When I got called out on it by a trusted friend I realized that not only do people see and read my comments, but it is possible that they may take what I write very personally, and if I am impolite, rude, or disrespectful, I could really hurt someone.

This week I found myself on the receiving end. Someone who had been there for me during a very difficult time in my life, whose friendship meant everything in the world to me, very suddenly severed our friendship when she found out I was voting for Hillary Clinton, without even asking a single question to help her understand where I was coming from.

Needless to say, it was very, *very* painful.

I'm not sharing this to set myself up as some kind of martyr. Rather, I share it to support the point I'm making about how easy it is to fall into the flawed thinking pattern that our opinions, or our being right, is more important than people.  And, when we do fall into that kind of thinking pattern, we can really hurt someone. Is it really worth it? Is being right at the expense of the feelings or even well-being of others really worth it? Is it more important than relationships? Is it more important than trying to understand and connect with others? Is it worth tearing relationships apart?

I'm hoping that when this election ends, or even sooner if possible, that we can all be able to discuss differences in opinion with kindness, respect, and civility. I'm hoping that everyone can remain friends and respect each other's opinions, even if they sit on opposite sides of the political spectrum. That everyone can disagree without being disagreeable.

Because politics is not worth it.  

Find the Pain: A Mantra for Tolerance

I've been in my Masters in Social Work program for only two weeks now but I feel almost like an entirely different person. Already my professors have challenged my perceptions and have inspired me to adopt new ways of thinking. One mantra in particular has completely changed the way I approach my relationships with others, especially with people with whom I passionately disagree:

"Find the Pain."

It's magic. Let me s'plain.

Going through this program at BYU is incredibly interesting. As many already know, Brigham Young University is owned and operated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as the LDS or "Mormon" Church. The Church defends and upholds several values that at times conflict with emerging popular opinions. One of the most prevalent is the Church's stance on marriage: we hold to the belief that marriage is ordained of God, and that marriage between a man and a woman is central to His divine plan for the eternal destiny of His children. This has led to a clash in cultures and values between the LDS community and the LGBTQ community, especially during the time when the same-sex marriage issue was brought to the Supreme Court.

And then, there are the values embraced by the National Association of Social Workers, who operate under their own official Code of Ethics. Social Work values are simple: we work towards social justice for all individuals, with particular attention to those who are vulnerable, oppressed, or living in poverty.

Liberty, justice, and fairness for *everyone.*

In a lecture in one of my favorite classes, my professor asked a very poignant question, "How will *you* handle fairness and respect for all as an LDS social worker?"

I added this question to a list of just about a dozen other questions I have about how to live in harmony with others who have conflicting values. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has questions about how to do this. I'm just gonna be vulnerable here and share some of my inner conflicts:

As a member of the LDS community I value the sanctity of marriage and I believe it should be kept between a man and a woman. As someone who values fairness and respect for all, I also personally believe that it's not fair to legislate my values onto a group of people who don't share the same values.  I don't think it's fair for the law to prevent homosexuals to marry. I also don't think it's fair for the law to force people with strong religious beliefs to perform the marriage ceremony for homosexuals. I am passionately against discrimination toward any person of any race or sexual orientation. I don't think businesses should deny services to *anyone*. But as far as religious freedom is concerned, I don't think the government should be allowed to force people to operate against their religion (The case regarding The Little Sisters of the Poor is a good example of this).

I'm guessing I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

Being passionately anti-discrimination and passionately pro-religious freedom can be exhausting, because somehow society seems to think you have to be on one side or the other. Having passionate views from both sides of just about every issue is exhausting. And I think the reason why it's exhausting is because we live in a world where viewpoints are becoming more black and white. You either embrace all the values of the LGBTQ community or you're homophobic. You either embrace all the values of the Christian community or you're immoral and godless. If you are against police brutality, you hate cops. If you are pro-life, you are completely against a woman's right to choose. If you are pro-choice, you're okay with murder.

It's pretty easy to catch the errors in thinking, right? Then why is it so easy to fall into the "I'm right, you're wrong" trap? I know many people think that the world would be a better place if we all agreed on everything. But let's be honest. That's not happening any time soon.

I could go into how we can tackle this issue from a political perspective, but I'm more passionate about how we treat each other as human beings and how we can live harmoniously with others who do not share our values or beliefs.

Some people think they have it figured out. There are a couple mantras that are relatively popular about how we can live in harmony with others who live by different values:

1. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
2. You still love them, but . . . (fill in the blank with some phrase like, "you disagree with what they're doing" or "You don't condone their behavior.")

Can I be honest? I really don't like either of these. Let me explain why:

At a glance, these mantras may seem like they would work. But in a world that is full of black-and-white thinking, they fall apart. Because when that thinking appears, it becomes a choice to either love the sinner and the sin, or hate both. "Oh I love them, but I don't agree with what they're doing, so if I show complete and total acceptance, then I'm condoning their behavior, and I can't do that, so I need to distance myself and maybe show a little less love." In more extreme cases it becomes, "I love you, but I completely disagree with your behavior, and I cannot show that I condone it in any way, shape, or form, so I'm completely cutting you out of my life." People get ostracized from friends and family all the time for having different values and beliefs. It happens to people who switch religions. It happens to people who shun religion. It happens to people who come out and identify as LGBTQ. And it's ridiculous.

What also happens is that we tend to worry more about the "but." We focus so much on not condoning the behavior that we err on the side of judgment, rather on the side of love. The problem with "I love you, but" is that the word "but" complete negates the phrase "I love you." The problem with "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is that we're all sinners so I don't think we should go around labeling people who disagree with us as sinners. Secondly, if we cannot separate the sin and the person, that person only sees our disdain. The biases, prejudices, and stereotypes shine through. We cannot hide them. Any connection we may try to have with that person is lost.

Maybe you live by these mantras and don't have this problem. Awesome. I would just challenge you to do some personal introspection. Do you have biases against a certain group of people and/or behaviors that prevent you from connecting with certain individuals?

May I suggest a different mantra to help us connect with people with conflicting values?

Find the pain.

We are all human. We are all imperfect. And we are all broken. Somewhere, inside of all us, there is pain. Understanding pain and developing sympathy and empathy for others is how we connect.

When you come across another human being who lives a lifestyle you don't agree with, or has a completely different set of values, instead of focusing on what you think is wrong with them, find the pain. They are broken, just like you are. They don't need your condemnation. They need you. They need love, and they need connection, just like you do. And when we seek to understand each other's pain, and seek to love each other in our weaknesses, pain, and imperfections, and differences, that's when light flows into our lives and into the lives of others. That is what heals. And that is what makes the world a better place.

Connection happens when we seek to understand one another. Seeking understanding before judgment may be easier said than done, but it is choosing to take the higher road. Jesus Christ, who set the perfect example for us, chose to say, "Neither do I condemn thee" to the woman who was taken in adultery and condemned by her peers. Though she had sinned, He did not work to increase her guilt or add to the accusations. He met her where she was at, lifted her up, and encouraged her to do what was right.

I love this quote from President Kimball, a former president of the LDS Church:  "Jesus saw sin as wrong but also was able to see sin as springing from deep and unmet needs on the part of the sinner. This permitted him to condemn the sin without condemning the individual."

Focus on the unmet needs. Focus on meeting the needs of others. It's far more important than being right.

Christ also taught us that the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbors. For this reason, I always find safety in erring on the side of love.

For some reason, people are afraid that withholding judgment means they're condoning immoral behavior. I personally think it doesn't. Withholding your judgment does not condone illegal or immoral behavior. Nor does it condone behavior with which you completely disagree.

In the wise words of one of my favorite professors, "It's okay to have your own values. It's not okay to condemn others for having theirs."

For me, this mantra works. This is how I want to handle fairness and respect for all as an LDS social worker. This is how I want to embrace all the values of both my religion and my job. Already I have found that it has changed the way I look at others. It has softened my gaze. It has helped me become more accepting. I'm certainly not perfect at it, but I can attest that it works.

Find the pain. Then perhaps we will finally find ourselves in a world with a little more tolerance and understanding. :)

Confessions of a Mormon Democrat

I meant to incorporate this idea into my last post but it ended up not quite fitting where I wanted it to. So here we go.

(LDS is an acronym for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as "Mormons")

LDS Democrats.

We're a rare breed. Utah valley, as I stated before, is a very conservative place. And of course there's nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is the perception that people in Utah are Republican because they're Mormon. And if they're Mormon, they must be Republican. And if they're Democrats, they must not be Mormon. And if somehow they are a Mormon Democrat, they must not really be an active Mormon, or they do not have a clear understanding of Church doctrine.

Now, I am not accusing everyone of thinking this. In fact, most people I know are really level-headed. But maybe we all need to check ourselves: do we carry around our biases and stereotypes without knowing it or admitting it?

I know I did. Years before I left the Republican party, I saw the Democratic party as the "less righteous" party (I regret this! Please don't judge me), though I never would have admitted it to myself. Their agenda always seemed to me to be "enemy territory" and "bad ideas that will threaten Christian values."

Until, you know. I started actually reading their agenda. It never hurts to get informed from credible sources.

For those who do not know the official political standpoint of the LDS Church, I'm here to tell you there really isn't one. The Church tells all of its members to be politically active, vote responsibly, and vote for the person whose policies will help us live the doctrines and teachings of the Church. The Church never tells its members specifically who to vote for.

Many LDS people equate that with voting for a Republican platform. There's nothing wrong with that. The Republican platform embraces a lot of the values that the LDS people hold very dear.

Plenty of LDS individuals choose the Democratic platform. Some people may think that this political view is contrary to the teachings of the Church, but I completely disagree.  I chose the platform that will allow me, personally, to more closely live the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which is to love my neighbor and care for those who are in need. I agree with the way Democrats want to care for the poor, allow refugees to enter the country, keep borders open to immigrants, fight for equal rights, represent the underrepresented, and protect the environment, among other things.

And I can get into specifics here and dive deep into some deliciously controversial topics but Imma save that for later posts. Don't worry. I'll get to it. :)

The main point I want to make here is that we should never question someone's character because of their political opinions. I've had my character and religious devotion called out a few times (mostly by strangers on Facebook. They're quite delightful). I've been accused of "not following the prophet" because I happen to agree with socialist programs in government (which is a notion I believe to be *completely* false but if I get into why I'll get way off topic). I've read comments from people who think "all Democrats are socialists and all socialists are evil" or "Mormon Democrats aren't real Mormons because [reason 1, reason 2, reason 3]" or "Democrats are hypocrites" or "Democrats hate Christians/want to annihilate religious freedom."

I've seen it on the flip side, too.

"Republicans are greedy and they always tread down the poor." "Republicans are hateful." "Republicans are just a bunch of rich white guys who aren't in touch with reality." "Republicans are self-righteous."

Why are we pulling character into this? Why are we pulling religious devotion and righteousness into this? Why are we making these very broad and serious accusations of these people that we don't even know?

I would also like to mention that LDS Church leaders have recently reminded us that, "The Lord looketh not on the political party."

We are not our politics.

Yes, our morals and values influence our political opinions. How we think politically certainly makes up part of who we are. But good grief I certainly don't fit into the unfair Democrat stereotype (at least I hope not), and a lot of my Republican friends and family don't fit into the nasty stereotypes that I have heard. It bothers me that some people think that way.  Our politics are not our religion. They're not our character. A lot of us side with the party and policies that we truly think will make a positive difference. There are good people in both parties who are drowned out by the people screaming on social media about how the "opposing" side is the spawn of Satan.

Don't let the bias and the stereotypes get in your head. Challenge these perceptions.

And maybe we can all just get along and get some important work done. :)

Why Do You Always Say What You Believe?

I've been thinking about this blog post for months as well but I ultimately decided I think too much and just need to share my thoughts.

For a while I was thinking that the first stereotype I wanted to combat was the stereotype of the Mormon Democrat. I'm still planning on doing this, but that will be in the next post. Here I want to look at the bigger picture and challenge the intolerance we tend to feel in response to opposing opinions.

As mentioned in my first post, the discussions I had with my husband, combined with personal introspection, pushed me away from the Republican party. I ultimately realized that my values most closely align with the Democratic party, which is something that I thought would never happen in a million years.

Why?

Perceptions. I won't blame anyone but myself. With my own bias, I perceived Democrats as the "opposition" to the "correctness" of the Republican party. I was so fixed in this mindset that I couldn't find any redeemable qualities to the party's values at all. I registered Republican, I voted Republican, and I panicked and thought of doomsday when Obama won the 2012 election.

Yes, I was one of those people. And yes, I am still a little embarrassed about that.

So after my mission and spending 18 months with the Gospel, learning about the world, seeing things from new perspectives, growing up, graduating from college, learning how to think critically, and getting married to a very passionate person, I found myself starting to form passionate political opinions. Which was also surprising, because I always hated talking about politics. What was even more surprising to me, aside from my newfound political passion, was that I was passionately agreeing with what the Democrats were saying, rather than the other way around.

And I got excited!

I suppose you could say that I was excited to be different. I grew up in Utah Valley, which is unsurprisingly a very, very conservative place. All of a sudden, I found so much value in ideas that aren't widespread, aren't discussed, or sometimes are completely rejected in this area. I loved these ideas! These ideas could help people! These ideas are great! I gotta tell people about this!

So I started to share my ideas on Facebook. The Chosen Medium. Posting articles, liking posts, commenting on everything under the sun.

And my friends list started to shrink.

I have a fancy device on Facebook that tells me who has unfriended me. After I started sharing passionate political posts, friends started to disappear.

I was upset. Now, I didn't know a lot of these people very well, and I can never be sure why some of these people unfriended me, but I did notice that some of my passionately conservative friends removed me from their Facebook. Friends that I had gotten close to in Tennessee. Friends I cared a lot about. And it was really hard for me to be rejected by them because my ideas all of a sudden were different.

On top of that, I wasn't getting very much positive feedback from my posts. Most of my friends are very conservative, so I found that very few were agreeing with me. I started seeing comments pop up that completely counteracted all the ideas that I was trying to encourage people to accept. And I. Got. SO. Frustrated.

So I was planning to stop sharing ideas altogether. My husband encouraged me to keep spreading thoughts and sharing ideas. What good are we doing if we stop? Why let ourselves be silenced?

For those who know me well, they know that I adore the musical, "Hamilton." It depicts a political rivalry between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Hamilton is an immigrant who comes to America with passionate ideas and nothing to lose. Aaron Burr is a crowd-pleaser who keeps his ideas close to his chest in his attempt to avoid rejection and gain political power. These two men do not understand each other at all. One of my favorite lines is sung by Aaron Burr to Hamilton:

"Why do you always say what you believe? Every proclamation guarantees free ammunition from your enemies."

And, in a way, he was right. Hamilton had a lot of obstacles to get through set up by his own political opposition. Many were opposed to his ideas and fought to silence him. Jefferson even said that support of Hamilton's plan for a national bank would be punishable by death.

And we think that politicians today are nuts.

 What I love about Hamilton is that he never was silenced! Despite the opposition he shared ideas, he fought for what he thought was the best for this country, and because he did, he passed an incredibly effective financial plan that took the country from bankruptcy to prosperity following the Revolutionary War. Even his political opponents (mainly Thomas Jefferson and James Madison), after they had taken office, admitted that Hamilton's financial plan was a work of genius.

So, in the end, Hamilton wasn't afraid to share his ideas. Burr timidly waited to speak out until after the public opinion reflected his ideas. Who made the greatest political difference? Hamilton.

So why should we say what we believe when our opinions seem to keep attracting opposition? Because if we really believe that our ideas are going to make a positive difference, then we should share them. Even if people disagree.

Another thing I learned, it's okay if people disagree! At first I was frustrated by everyone posting their conservative agenda on my liberal agenda. But then I realized, isn't the whole point of politics about spreading different ideas and finding the best compromise? Conversations need to happen. The liberals aren't always right, and the conservatives aren't always right. But each party has some good ideas and strong values to bring to the table of compromise. It has always been that way. That is what makes America great!

So, now we finally get to the crux of the idea I want to share, and that is 1) do not be afraid to share your opinions and 2) be tolerant of opposing opinions.

Now, there is a right way and a wrong way to share opinions. I've commented on Facebook posts out of anger and I've regretted some of the things I've written. There's a difference between challenging an idea and challenging a person. I've seen some incredibly rude and hateful comments about people just because their ideas are different. Once we start trying to tear people or their ideas down instead of building up from common ground, we have added to the problem that prevents people from wanting to share ideas in the first place. Are we trying to share our ideas in a non-threatening way? Or are we trying to force people to change their minds? Or are we insulting people because their ideas are "stupid" and they are downright "wrong"?

Share your ideas. Understand that it's okay if people disagree. Understand that you may not be right. Understand that there is value in looking at life through different perspectives.

Do you really want to unfriend that person because he/she thinks differently from you?

Embrace ideas. What good are we doing if we stop?

Challenge Your Perceptions

I've thought long and hard about this blog. In fact, I have been playing with ideas for this blog for almost a year now. I've been thinking of a way to share my unique views in a non-threatening way that will, hopefully, inspire some change, or at least some new ways of thinking. I've been wrestling with ideas ranging from sharing what it's like to be a Mormon Democrat, to preaching against stigmas, to raising my voice against the most prevalent social issues of the day.

The final idea came to me at a religious service I attended this morning. A man stood up to give a spiritual thought and began speaking, with a heavily British accent, about how his audience (made up of teenagers) may be wondering what they could possibly learn from this 40 year-old man from London. After speaking for about 5 minutes, he drops the accent completely and admits he grew up in Arizona. A shockwave spread through his entire audience; he had them completely fooled. He then goes on to say that our perceptions determine our reality. How we perceive reality determines our ideas, attitudes, and choices.

That puts a lot of weight on our perceptions. The way we perceive our religion, our politics, our families, our peers, can dramatically alter the way we behave, the ideas we spread, the people we try to become, and the change we try to implement.

I left my parents house at age 18 with a set of fixed perceptions that were unlikely to change. I was a passionately conservative individual who had the right ideas about everything (or, regrettably, so I thought).

Then I met my husband.

People who are close to me may think that my seemingly drastic and sudden change in perceptions are all somehow his doing. In a way, they're right. Not because I wanted to change all my ideas to match his for the sake of agreement. He also never pressured me to change my opinion. All he did was challenge my perceptions. With that cursed three letter word:

"Why?"

Why do you feel this way? No, "because" is not an answer. "Because that's what I was taught" is not an answer either. Have you considered the opposite viewpoint? What source did you use to obtain that information?

All he did was ask questions that challenged my perceptions. Not because he wanted me to change my mind. Because he genuinely wanted to understand why I felt the way I felt. That kind of openness not only helped me feel like my opinion was valued, but it led to some serious introspection that led to some serious changes in perspective. And yes, we agree on a lot of things now that we didn't agree on before, but we still don't agree on everything 100%.

This is the kind of dialogue we need. Every day I get on Facebook and see two opposite groups fighting over something or other. They continually talk past each other, trying to shove personal viewpoints down someone else's throat. It always ends up with people getting offended and angry. What we need is patience and understanding. What we need is to accept the challenge to our perceptions. We need is to be willing to challenge our own perceptions.

One of my favorite video games of all time is called The Witness. Your character wakes up on a deserted island surrounded by hundreds of puzzles. You are given no directions, no background, and no help. You progress as you solve each puzzle. The game itself has no strong plot, or at least no clear storyline from start to finish. It sparks questions, introspection, and philosophical thinking. The greatest thing it does is force the player to constantly change perspective. It is a game of changing perceptions, which is why it is called The Witness. I could not have solved half the puzzles if my husband weren't right beside me offering me his perspective. There are times in the game where you can only solve the puzzle if you stand in a certain spot, or look at it a certain way. The game pairs these puzzles with philosophical quotes about human existence, patterns of thought, growth, innovation, etc.

I love what this game teaches about the importance of perspective. Life is so much like this game. We run into conundrums, social issues, personal problems, and obstacles that we need to get past either individually or together as a people in order to grow and progress. To solve these puzzles, we need to combine perspectives. We need to change perspectives. We need to look at these problems from every angle.

That's what I hope for this blog to be. I want to offer the new perceptions I've acquired. I want to challenge popular perceptions of the day. I want to challenge my own perceptions. I want to spark discussion. I want to promote new ways of thinking. This will bring up a lot of controversial topics, but topics I truly feel need to be discussed.

Insights, suggestions, and ideas are always appreciated. :)

Let's do this.